Shriek Show / Anamorphic Widescreen / 94 minutes

Our Webmaster General here at Shameful Cinema was kind enough to let me borrow WITCHERY from his quickly growing arsenal of depraved films. Imagine my delight to find a Father Merrin tested, demon approved Linda Blair starring opposite Michael Knight himself, David Hasselhoff. What cinematic brilliance lay before me? None really. But talk about a recipe for laughs.

WITCHERY takes place in an abandoned island hotel off the shores of Massachusetts. Rose and Freddie Brooks, a wealthy New England couple, are interested in investing in the defunct property and plan a trip to the island with their young son Tommy, preggo daughter Jane (Linda Blair), sultry architect Linda, and local realtor Jerry. Little do they know that Leslie and her boyfriend Gary (Hasselhoff) are already trespassing on the island doing research on the legends of witchcraft that once took place there. The three women: Jane, Linda and Leslie have indeed been haunted by the image of a witch played by German actress Hildegard Knef. The reasons for their visions become apparent as they all convene on the hotel and the witchery begins.

There are numerous fun things to talk about here but we’ll start with the first scene played during the credits. A young pregnant women (who looks a lot like Jami Gertz) runs from a 5 man mob of garden tool wielding villagers. She seeks refuge in the giant hotel only to jump out a third story window to her demise. This is rather confusing since the architectural detail of the building probably only dates back to the 1940’s or so. And yet a woman who we assume might be an accused witch of 1600’s Salem is fleeing angry Puritans. It’s just strange to see ghosts from the 1600’s running around a 1940’s building like they once inhabited the place. Cut to Jane Brooks gasping awake and about 8 and a half months pregnant herself. It was all a dream. Who do you know that has historically accurate dreams anyway? Later as she’s walking down the street Jane almost bites it when a steel girder falls from a construction site and lands at her feet. Across the street she sees the Lady in Black (Knef), a hideously old woman sporting a prism broach that seems to be the source of supernatural powers and the accident she just encountered (but why the Lady would want to kill Jane at this point doesn’t make sense. She needs that fetus!)

Our second damsel (and I’ll admit, my favorite) is the dark-haired doe-eyed Leslie (Leslie Cumming). As she explores the empty spaces of the hotel she translates a German text, which she hopes will help her discover the source of the Witch’s Light phenomenon that occurs on the island. Leslie likes to wear ugly sweaters and is a real prude. But the weirdest thing about her is her accent. I went back and listened a couple of times to try and place where she might be from but I swear I have no idea. Her speech is subtly slurred the entire film and I just wonder if she was the alcoholic on set. She either had a stroke at the age of 23 or is doing such a poor job acting that she comes off sounding mentally handicapped. Which would make sense considering her choice of boyfriends – The Hoff.

Gary is a real class act and he’s helping Leslie by taking photographs for her novel (a picture novel?) I mean, he breaks out the light meter, explains how he’s “studied this hotel from every angle” and he patiently placates the hell out Leslie’s whimsical rants about witch legends and myths. But something tells me he has ulterior motives. Like when he tries to slip into the same bed as Leslie at night - “Go back to your sleeping bag Gary”. Or when he kisses her and goes straight for the buttons of her blouse. Or like when he tells Leslie that her “virginity is just not natural for a grown women” (best lines of the film). Gary should look elsewhere because it is Linda’s character that serves as the film’s whore. Leslie’s sweet virginity must be reserved for the motives of another character – the Lady in Black.

We meet Linda Sullivan (Catherine Hickland) in as good a place as any to introduce a film’s sexy blonde character – the shower. The camera lingers on her pretty face and it is a real wonder that she can bathe without smudging her perfect makeup. As she dries her hair in the bathroom mirror the image of the Lady in Black appears and followed by the call from the Brooks’ about accompanying them to the island. Her buffoon of a boyfriend hears this and sighs. He’s just so tired of Linda working all of the time. As the all but naked Linda straddles him on the floor he expresses his frustrations asking, “I’ll never understand which you love more, work or sex.” She in turn answers that question with her bare thighs.

Once everyone makes it to the island WITCHERY’s second act cranks into high gear. Even after an extensive tour of the property no one is aware of the Lady in Black’s fully furnished room on the top floor of the estate except for little Tommy who bumps into her regularly throughout the picture. Now that the witch’s pawns have gathered she first dispatches the chartered boat captain who ends up dead in his own fishing nets.

With no way to get off the island everybody hunkers down for the night. Jane is the first to witness the Lady in Black’s evil power when she falls into a portal to hell and witnesses a demon-hag eating her unborn fetus. Rose, who has been practicing a good bit of bitchery to this point, decides to lie down in another room. She comes across an open safe, gives into her curiosity and greed and ends up burned alive in the fireplace with her mouth stitched shut. Frankie ends up as a Voodoo pincushion. Linda and Jerry scurry off to have sex but Linda finds herself in a Medieval torture chair and Jerry is crucified and set on fire. And poor Leslie tries to get some shut-eye but the devil visits her in a nightmare and rapes her (insert token topless scene here - shameful indeed, but choice).

The third act reveals that the Lady in Black is ultimately in search of a vessel-body to prolong her life as a witch. And for some reason her spell to achieve this requires sinners of lust, greed, the ire of a persecuted witch as well as an unborn child and the blood of a virgin. None of it really makes sense but its far more satisfying to let the crappiness of the plot wash over you than to fight it. In the end Jane becomes possessed by the witch (imagine what a stretch that must have been for Blair), Gary is impaled trying to save Tommy, Tommy staves off demon-Jane with his super kid-love which saves Leslie and Leslie finds out she’s knocked up with the spawn of Satan. My, oh my.

WITCHERY is merely one of the almost 200 films created by Joe D’Amato (as he’s credited in this film). D’Amato used dozens of other screen names in order to protect his image in each of the production roles he served as well as the many films he concocted in almost every other story genre. The title of the film itself is only one of about 11 by which it is known (including WITCHCRAFT, WITCHCRAFT: RETURN OF THE EXORCIST, EVIL DEAD 4, GHOSTHOUSE 2, EVIL ENCOUNTERS and others internationally).

Hildegard Knef (Lady in Black) was best known for German cinema’s very first nude scene. Unfortunately not even a shadow of her career’s past talent can be found here and I cannot tell if she is just really old or had on very effective witch makeup. Linda Blair is derivative, given few lines and badly parodies herself from THE EXORCIST. It’s unfortunate that Leslie Cumming never appeared in film after WITCHERY. A quick Internet search finds no trace of her acting career at all. She seems to just disappear from showbiz, cute smile, slurred speech and all. It’s Hasselhoff that really steals the show. It’s just so fascinating to witness such a forgotten role by the Knight Rider himself. This film was released post-KITT but pre-Baywatch and just before his explosion of fame in Europe as a recording star. And interestingly enough Catherine Hickland (Linda) and Hasselhoff were actually married during the time this movie was shot. In fact, after they divorced Hickland ended up remarrying a man named Michael E. Knight.

The DVD itself is quite the treasure trove of badness. Included are the trailers to SHADOW DEAD RIOT, JUST BEFORE DAWN, A LIZARD IN A WOMAN’S SKIN and DEVIL DOG. There’s also a “Joe D’Amato Trailer Reel” containing numerous titles I would love to get my hands on. According to Shriek Show the trailer for WITCHERY included in this section of the disc is the only existing copy and thus offers a disclaimer explaining the degradation of the original master.

To most, WITCHERY would probably come off as a very average low-budget horror film but somehow this little flick has charmed me into submission. Thanks to the intriguing cast and well-done makeup effects I’d consider it very recommendable camp. 4 stars: Shamefully Choice!