Cannibals (1980)
Blue Underground / Widescreen (1.66:1) / Color / 1 disc / 90 minutes

Although it’s just slightly more shameful than anything you’re likely to see on the Food Network, Jess Franco’s CANNIBALS, a.k.a. MONDO CANNIBALE, a.k.a. WHITE CANNIBAL QUEEN, is still a rather weak sauce.

Franco’s 1980 effort can be summarized like this: One great premise followed by an hour and 20 minutes of mind-numbing banality, finally ending in a whimper that makes me wonder why my wife hasn’t yet taken away my debit card for wasting $15 on this slag.

I would love to report that even under the layers of rubbish this movie has to offer, that there is something endearing … something that kicks a drive-in fanatic like me in the balls, making me keel over in masochistic ecstasy. Sadly, the crushing blow never arrives and all I’m left with is an exquisite transfer of a mediocre film in a Blue Underground package that happens to also contain a lame French trailer and a poorly produced interview with Franco himself.

Where is the “97 on the vomit meter” that Joe Bob Briggs promises on the cover art? Where is this “gorefest … uncensored for refined palates?” It’s not here friends. No, I suggest if you want to watch a good cannibal film, head straight for Deodato’s CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, or Martino’s MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD. The Italians know how to make good food, and they know how to make good movies about people eating each other too. End of story.

Lets be fair to Franco though. The man has directed more than 180 films, including efforts such as VENUS IN FURS, SUCCUBUS and VAMPYROS LESBOS, so some are likely to be duds, particularly a film like CANNIBALS, which was a direct response to the aforementioned Italian jungle films. Franco’s film, unlike some of the Italian work, doesn’t include grisly shots of real animals being cut apart or skewered. It doesn’t aspire to trick viewers into thinking they are watching a true story or “mondo” documentary.

One could even argue CANNIBALS is a simple story about a father’s love. It just so happens we have three lengthy, savage scenes involving women being eaten alive that take place in the middle of it all.

One Dr. Jeremy Taylor, played with utilitarian ennui by Al Cliver (Fulci’s ZOMBIE), is off on an Amazonian expedition with his family when they are savagely attacked on their boat by cannibals wearing professional wrestler greasepaint. Taylor is knocked unconscious while the natives ravish his lovely wife, eating her alive. Taylor is bound and taken back to the cannibal encampment, while his young daughter, Lana, escapes the boat and washes ashore, where she is discovered by a pair of natives and hailed as the “white goddess.”

Cannibals lop off Taylor’s arm and gnaw at it, then watches in horror as his young daughter is brought into the camp. While the natives are distracted by the arrival of the white goddess, Taylor escapes into the jungle. When he awakes some time later in a hospital, he has no memory of what happened to him.

Some years later, the sight of a young girl jogs Taylor’s memory of what happened to his wife and daughter. He organizes an expedition back to the Amazon in an effort to recover his little girl, only to discover she’s grown into the tribal leader, a position she may not be willing to give up.

Sadly, nothing much happens beyond the first act of the picture. The father-daughter reunion, which could have turned into a bloody mess and been damned entertaining, never actually goes anywhere. Taylor’s failed expedition back into the jungle is laughable at best, as members of his party get lost and suddenly grow fatigued and die after walking only a short distance from their Jeeps. The rest are cut down by spears, poisoned darts and sheer stupidity.

Standard operating procedure in these cannibal films typically involves lots of bare breasts and weird deflowering rituals as the kidnapped get assimilated (AMAZONIA: THE CATHERINE MILES STORY comes to mind…). But don’t think you’re riding the Sleazoid Express just because Franco directed this one. Goddess Lana may be played by “savage blonde bombshell” Sabrina Siani (CONQUEST), but at best we are only afforded glimpses of her big jungle booty and maybe a random boob. She’s an attractive gal and all, but to be honest, she has the charisma of a melting Barbie doll.

The natives themselves are fairly pedestrian. They are all gypsies; in the included interview, Franco calls them “Spain’s greatest secret” citing their superior ability to sing, act and dance. They can certainly be creepy, particularly when they are gnawing bits of bloody meat during the “eaten alive” scenes.

If there’s anything Franco does well in this picture, it’s the cannibalism scenes. Replacing the soundtrack and score with echoed noises of breathing, grunting, slurping and mastication is just downright disturbing. We get lingering shots of the victim’s eyes as they realize the horror they are facing. First there’s a look of terror that gets replaced by anguish. Ultimately, as the victim’s ropey intestines are yanked forth and the body is reduced to a carcass, Franco brings us back to the eyes, now fogged in death. Would I be cavalier to compare the effect to the lingering shot of Marion Crane’s eyes in PSYCHO?

Unfortunately, even too much of a good thing can turn into tedium, and that’s what happens. By the third eating scene, I was ready to pop a few tabs of antacid.

The film transfer looks and sounds great (as great as a poor overdubbed vocal track can sound I reckon) thanks to Blue Underground’s tireless work. The Spanish terrain looks colorful and alive with texture. Don’t forget to watch for Franco’s cameo in the film.

There’s really only one compelling reason to own this disc, and that’s to get the Franco interview. Fans of his work will delight and cringe as he speaks frankly about his actors (In one instance he mentions Siani “had a great ass,” but the blank expression of a “puppet”). It’s crudely produced, but ultimately more interesting than CANNIBALS itself.

I can’t really recommend it, but it’s about a two-star film. Watch if you dare.

Check out a trailer for this film below: